How to be Horrible

"Let this be our Final Battleground."

2009-06-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

In "The Game of Death," Bruce Lee must fight his way up a tower and past several card-carrying Motherfuckers. At last, he makes it to the last level of the Pagoda and kicks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the face. That's what I feel like right now. Kicked in the face, but also like good ol' Bruce Lee, fighting your way though seemingly endless challenges and having your only companions suck and die so you have to do everything yourself. For me, I have to fight my way though community college and the ass-holes inside are the Finals, but since I don't think either of us know martial arts, we just sort of tussle on the floor for a while with our hands at each others throats.

I battle my way past Nunchaku-Sociology class and Mantis-Style Watercolor class until, finaly, I make it to Kareem Abdul-Fucking-English-Class. I'm in the home stretch and absolute victory is just on the horizon. I will roar my battle cry and roll for initiative.

Next week: Either Conan O'Brian or 4th Edition; whichever blows up my skirt at the time.

And yet, I Remain Remarkably Unchanged

2009-05-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say that most people think that fight club was a good movie, or at the very least, a decent movie. We all know someone who, after watching it, hailed Fight Club as the greatest movie ever and swore off all material goods... for about two days, and then they realized that material goods are pretty cool. I understand where they are coming from. Good movies are supposed to stir in you some drive to change or be better. Good movies make you leave feeling fulfilled, make you walk away with the ever so slightest of smiles on your face, the song from the ending credits running through your brain as you imagine yourself slow-walking out of the room.

Choke, on the other hand, makes you feel sad and disjointed, like you just saw a child fall down on the sidewalk but their parents didn't notice so they kept walking while the child had to pick himself back up, choking down tears, and run to catch up with his parents. Sad stuff. That emotion now has it's own movie. The screenplay for Choke was written by Clark Gregg, who based it around a novel written by Chuck Palahniuk, the writer of Fight Club. You could tell this movie was based on Fight Club from the first 20 seconds of it. It starts with the protagonist, Victor, sitting in a support group circle while giving deep, introspective, one-line "Truisms" in the form of an internal monologue. Hmm. Without giving too much of it away, Victor and his friend who-gives-a-shit are sex addicts, and Victor pretends to choke in restaurants to con people into giving him money to pay for his batshit bonkers mom. First of all, does anyone do that? I just saved your life and now you want my money? Fuck off! Anyway, on a visit to the hospital where his mom lives, he sees a young lady doctor, and tries to fuck her, unsuccessfully. Then later, The lady doctor tells him that his mom can be saved, but they need to fuck for that to happen... or something. There's only one problem, HE CAN'T GET IT UP! He tells who-gives-a-shit about it --like an idiot-- and he replies with "It's love, dude!" or something to that effect. Long story short, nothing interesting happens in the entire movie, and you just wasted an hour and twenty-nine minutes.

There's a lot of ancillary bullshit attached to this movie. Nothing seems to happen for a reason; they expound upon stupid crap that you don't care about while snuffing out the few things you do care about. They build on ideas that are stupid and make no sense at all. They try to make you think that this movie delves into the unwashed human psyche. It wants to be deep, but comes across as shallow. Maybe not "kiddie-pool" shallow, but there's a No-Diving sign next to this one. I watched Choke with my roommate Ryan, and by the end, we just sort of looked at each other, unsure of exactly what to make of the squirming, tangled mess that had leaked out of our television. We watched in shock and revulsion as the writhing mass tried desperately to tie up all it's loose ends and straighten out it's gnarled form, trying to make itself look appealing.

Fight Club was good, and maybe that's the trouble with good movies; they always seem to attract imitators or people trying to cash in on it. This trend will continue long after we are all dead. Have a happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! :)

Foolish Folderall

2009-04-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

REMEMBER THAT TODAY IS APRIL FOOLS SO YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.

I don't know why, but April Fools seems to be the official holiday of the internet. What happens to douchebags when you tell them it's socially acceptable to act like douchebags for one day? Douchebags squared. Online forums and internet communities are most susceptible to the rampart douchebaggery. The D&D forums underwent a change that caused the board to be coated in a vomit coloered green color that can only be described as "fail green." Deviantart has gotten though without any apparent changes, suprisingly enough. They're probably still stinging from last years "I herd you liek Mudkips" backlash. Apparently, online artists don't like it when their icons are changed into a Mudkip saying the above statement. They also don't like it when an error in the code made the joke last for three days. I'm not even going to visit Cracked.com today, for fear that my computer might explode.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I would write a more complete reveiw on Pokemon Platinum. Pltinum is probably more different from Diamond and Pearl than any of the previous "third versions." Entire towns have been reskinned and recolored, things in the environment move, and even the gyms are fought in a different order. The majority of the changes are for the better. The expanded pokedex gives much more freedom when constructing a team, things look nicer, and the game has a generally more superior quality. But this has come with a price. When running through a certain town, I expirienced slow downs, which I have never seen in a pokemon game before. This is most likely a graphical compensation for the various 3-D elements in the game. Also, the game seems to baby you more than ever, something I never thought possible. I know the target audience for these games isnt exactly the 18-30 crowd, but even kids have access to the internet nowadays. In any case, Pokemon Platinum is better than Diamond and Pearl, and certainly better than all those spinoff bullshit games.

I'll wait for something incredible to happen.

Stay Horrible.

Platinum, Alara, And the Most Epic Box Ever

2009-03-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Accursed Pokemon, why you gotta be that way?

Hey guys, Pokemon Platinum came out, and It is something that I simply must obtain. Critics complain that the Pokemon series is just a re-release after re-release of the same game over and over again, but I don't really buy that. Especially with the new one coming out. Supposedly, it has a remastered battle interface, which is awesome, plus the addition of several old Pokemon to the new poke-dex. Platinum also introduces something call the "reverse-world" or something. While I know nothing about this realm, because they haven't told us anything about it, I'm sure it will be an interesting aspect of the game that we haven't seen before in previous titles.

Next stop, Magic Cards. Today, Wizards released information on the Starter packs for Alara Reborn. Interestingly enough, these pre-made decks seem to be only two colors, as opposed to the previous two sets which were three colors. This really wasn't what I was expecting. The whole "Five shards become one" thing really made me think that there would be at least one five color deck or at least a four color deck to showcase the merging of the shards. I'm sure individual cards will do this just fine, and the deck topper cards for each of the decks look pretty amazing. For one, Fillagree Angel. Fillagree has been seen in previous cards and has largely been associated with Esper, while Angels are found in Bant. While Alara Reborn may not execute on more full color cards, the merging of at least two spheres at a time may be interesting.

Finally, look. View. Despair.

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/7564/c068de69cb7475120c8387eoq1.swf

I shudder with elation.

Anyway, that's about all for me this week. I'm going to pick up Platinum on Tuesday so I'll try to have a more complete review of it as soon as possible. Until then...

Stay Horrible.

No No No No No No No Wrong

2009-03-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

No. No library hippie, you do need to wear shoes. You do need to shower every so often. You can't read a passage from your shitty book aloud because you thought everyone else in the quiet study area would enjoy it to the degree that you did. And you can't take up the table with one of the four outlets in the entire fucking library just to sit there and read and then fall asleep. No. Act like a fucking human-being for once. Use your ancient lizard brain for once in your miserable existence and form a thought that isn't "Man, I love the Onion," or "Don't order drinks in a restaurant because that's how they make their money," or "The Library is a great place to act like a douchebag!" I hope your eyes are open when you die, so you can see me standing there, nodding in satisfaction and checking my ornate pocket watch as it ticks away the final seconds of your worthless life.

Goddamn, people. Act like the fucking dominant species.

Buh... In other news, I've been reading a lot of Cracked articles online lately because I am a soulless undead, and I stumbled upon this unsettling article. Yeah, apparently Cthulhu is coming and we're all fucked. Dammit science, stop giving us more and more things to be terrified of! Why can't you just tell us that you've found the cute gene in kittens or that Orange juice and saltines cure gonorrhea? We already know that the universe is slowly decelerating and will soon cave in on itself, reducing all human endeavors and all that exists in the universe to a single point of giga-dense matter in infinite nothingness. Then the cycle will continue; there will be another big bang exactly the same as the infinite big bangs that have come before us, and all we are, are cogs in the infinite cycle of the cosmos. We know that. We need our lolcats!

Ah, I feel refreshed. All this ranting and fate of the universe has refueled the hate engine nesstled deep within the vile and putrescent center of my mucus and ichor drooling body that powers it. I'll try to be a bit more regular with these posts in the near future. I didn't feel there was anything worth bloging about, but now I think i've got a few more -- No. No you put that goddamn Grapefruit away!

Stay Horrible.

Sicky-Links

2009-02-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

Teeth was just about the worst movie I've ever seen. I want to avoid talking about it, for fear that it may become corporeal and murder me in my sleep.

This Post is going to pretty much just be a collection of links because I don't feel like writing 10,000 words about Magic cards because I feel like garbage. Right now, my mouth is like if Hitler shit on a dinner plate and forced you to look at it and think about it; to memorize each and every contour and curvature of its brown essence and then burn that image into your brain with a branding iron tempered in hellfire and screaming grasshoppers. I've got a sore throat and a headache.

My brother had me watch This Video, and now I am having you watch it because it is incredibly hilarious.

NofNA is an incredible webcomic that I think is tragically underrated in the webcomics community. This is a real shame, because it has a great art style and a great story and is just generally great. I think it intimidates most readers because people expect a silly little story about animals, when in actuallity it's a serious martial arts comic with a very artful style of representing fight scenes of general action that just so happens to star animals. It's written well enough that Zachary Braun has created this expansive world with intricate politics and customs, and most of it is understood without explaining it within the comic. Terrific read. Recomended.

This guy on the bus sat behind me on the bus this morning. I counted how many times he yawned. 19. He yawned 19 times in about a 10 minute bus ride. And it was that veriety of loud yawn that is audiated at a normal speaking volume. Pointed straight at the back of my head. I wanted to turn around and breathe fire at him, as such was my anger.

You are the Blood

2009-02-13T13:06:00.001-08:00

Charity is a pretty good thing. You can give someone something they need, and feel that warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing that you are a pretty cool dude (or dudette as the case may be). Sufjan Stevens thought he would give something other that money or food to those less fort fortunate than he. He gave brilliance. Yes, the good ol' Michigan born "Jesus-of-music" released a track for the HIV/AIDS charity album "Dark was the Night." He, in all his infinite wisdom, decided to do a cover of a Castanets song ironically titled "You are the Blood." I seriously can't stop listening to it. "You are the Blood" suffers from what I like to call "Sufjan-does-it-better syndrome." Symptoms include incredible banjo whilst standing atop buildings in the cold (The Innocence Mission, Lakes of Canada), expressly NOT being played at sporting events (Ala The National Anthem), and now worbley electronic and vocal bits.

Sufjan-does-it-better syndrome (or SDBS) is not terminal. Saying that he does a song better doesn't mean that the original wasn't good enough or that the original artist isn't good enough; merely that he is a genius, and you shouldn't feel bad about being beaten by him. It's like if you play... I don't know, Varsity Basketball for your high school, and Shaq walks in and offers to play a game with you. You're not going to feel slighted when you loose that game, in fact, you're going to feel honored. "Oh my god! Shaq wanted to play a game with me!" The same concept applies here. The Castanet's version of the song is really good. It's more mournful and ghostly while SS' version draws more on the culmination of the sounds he has produced in the past in his albums.

I personally hope that You are the Blood is a precursor for what is to come from Sufjan. Like I said before, hes taken some of the best aspects of his previous albums and melded them seamlessly together like some sort of awesome quilt. The folksy overtones of Seven Swans, the electronic blips and squeals of Enjoy Your Rabbit, and the lyrical style of Illinois. In any case, I'm extremely excited for his next album.

Here's the link to where you can download the songs. I recommend getting both, if nothing else than to hear how they're different, but both are terrific songs. Boink

Conflux!

2009-02-11T13:08:00.001-08:00

Yes! Conflux has dropped! Even though I haven't gotten the chance to pick up any of the cards, I've gathered quite a bit from the visual spoiler on the MTG website (which can be found Here ) Chief among these feelings is pants-shitting terror, reminiscent to the first time I read cards like Teferi, Phage, or Oona, with much help from the Mythic Rare level of what is expected. So what this post is going to be about is Colflux. I'll be going over some notable cards, talking about what I like and don't like about the set as a whole, and I'm going to give my top 10 most wanted cards.

"Five Worlds Share one Fate." That was the tag-line for Shards of Alara. If Conflux had a tag-line, it would probably be "Everybody Hates Everybody" or "Go Fuck Yourself." The Interactions between the shards is pretty interesting thematically, but mechanically, the shards still feel too sequestered, with not enough cards reflecting the roiling cluster-fuck that entire world has become. While a few cards like Martial Group, Molten Frame, and the Outlander cycle express the co-mingling of the shards, the bulk of the set has the feeling of "Ok, this is a dude from Esper." The addition of five color cards, though, is a great addition to the set, and I'm sure that Alara Reborn is going to feature even more along that vein (and hopefully more opposed multi-color combination cards). All in all, the mythology of Conflux is interesting, but still feels a bit too similar to Shards for it to feel as cataclysmic as it's intended to be.

Ok, when looking over the sortable spoiler for the set, what cards jumped out at you? Hmm... that's a tough one. Maybe it's the WORLD DEVOURING GOD SERPENT, PROGENITUS.

That's right bitches, The Soul of the world has returned to grace both rainbow decks and my desktop background. A 10/10 for 10. But wait, what's this? "Protection from Everything?" How can something have protection from everything? And what does "Everything" encompass? According to Wizard's Oracle rules, Protection from Everything means:

Progenitus Cannot be Blocked
Progenitus Cannot be Enchanted or Equipped
Progenitus Cannot be the target of Spells or Abilities
All damage that would be dealt to Progenitus is prevented

Ok, so what does that mean? Well, idiot, that means that you should save your Violet Palls, Giant Growths, and Bane Fires, Leave your Ethersworn Adjudicator at home, and you might as well forget the hybrid enchantments from Shadowmoore and Eventide altogether. So what can kill it? First of all, it's "if Progenitus would be placed into the graveyard from anywhere" ability essentially makes it unkillable, but if you absolutely need to get it off the field RIGHT THIS SECOND, the trusty Wrath of God always delivers. It can't be targeted by any spells or abilities, but it can be affected by spells that don't target a specific card and instead affects all creatures such as Wrath of God, Damnation, and Cumber Stone.

Progenitus is essentially a one-card-wrecking ball. Seeing as it can't be equiped or enchanted as though it had shroud, it can be hard to form any combos with it. Again, static abilities help, so the Lieges from Shadowmoore and Eventide are a good choice. Dramatic Entrance is another good choice. Since Progenitus is Green in addition to it's other colors, It can indeed be used with it. Dramatic Entrance is very good at making our favorite God Hydra much easier to summon, which is it's main problem; being very hard to get on the field. Progenitus is a potentially friendship destroying card. I mean, I have a friend that stabbed another one of my friends in the leg because of a Wee Dragonauts combo.

Ok what's next?

Alright, Magister Sphinx. When I first saw this card, I said to myself, "what?" and it faded from my mind as I looked at the rest of the spoiler cards. Then, gradually, oh so slowly, I began to realize how game breaking this card can be. As an everyday card, well, it's still pretty good. A 5/5 flier is pretty substantial. But where it really shines is in the more dire situations. Situation 1: Your opponent has you on the ropes, dwindling your life to the single digits and it looks like one last attack will finish you off. You play Magister Sphinx and your life total becomes 10, possibly giving you the time to turn the game around. Admittedly, not super great. In this scenario, the card is a mix of a Creature card and a life gain card.

But, Scenario 2: You are playing against someone using an Elf deck. Three Wellwishers tapping every turn to gain 4 or 5 life each since the beginning of the game. Over the course of the game, their life total exploding to 122. Shit. Now, most players would throw in the towel at this point, but smart, smart you, with your Magister Sphinx, drop it and BAM! their life total goes from 122 to 10 in one play, and depending on how the rest of your field has been set up, you can easily clear the field in the next two or three turns. While this latter situation is rare, Magister Sphinx is an extremely versatile card that's going straight in my Esper deck as soon as I get my grubby hands on one.

Obviously, I can't go into detail about every single card that I like, So I'll do one more of these and then move on to my Top 10. I've said I have an Esper deck, but my main deck right now is my Naya deck. So guess what's going in?

Meglonoth is the perfect blend of offense and defense. A 6/6 Trampler with Vigilance means that it can play the front line and the last line simultaneously, but that's not there this card's true value lies. It's odd "reverse-trample" ability is an extremely effective deterrent for your opponent to attack. There's not a lot I can say about this card, because it's all right there. The span of its usefulness is completely apparent. It can attack, still be untapped to play the defense, and dish out serious punishment to those who dare attack you. Meglonoth can really help out Naya decks that feel like they're leaving themselves wide open when all their massive creatures attack and leave your little druids to the slaughter.

My Top 10 wanted cards for Conflux:

Apocalypse Hydra. A potentially huge, power-breathing Hydra that you can pump a lot of mana into and get a lot in return.
Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker. Incredible, Incredible card. It's -9 ability is absolutely Brutal, shaming even Cruel Ultimatum.
Master Transmuter. Tricky, Artifact swapping card that makes it easier to get out Magister Sphinx and Inkwell Leviathan.
Banefire. Great burn card that gets hotter the more mana you pump into it.
Clifrunner Behemoth. All in all a big, fast, life-draining brute that reminds me of Wild Nacatl.
Meglonoth. As stated above. A goddamn wall.
Magister Sphinx. Again, potentially a game winner if played right.
Path to Exile. Focused card that gives enough to your opponent that they wont counter it. I expect to see this card a lot in the near future.
Progenitus. The World Ruiner.
Scornful AEther-Litch. Probably one of my favorite pieces of art in the whole set.

Alright. Hope I didn't nerd out to much, But this is something that I'm really excited about, and I hope to be able to pick up some of these cards as soon as possible. See y'all later.

Stay Horrible

All Ye Who Enter...

2009-02-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

Yes... Come Closer... Worry not about the Inky Darkness to which you step towards, or the screams of those not beholden, for they were not ready; their minds as closed as a tomb. Set thyself upon the cool ground of this godforsaken sepulcher of that which should not be... and despair. Prepare thyself for the godless and the aberrant, and know thy kin. Gaze not thy skyward eyes, for I am your Host, your Shepard though these terrible lands, Anathematic. Now, steel yourself as we plunge head-first like the kindred fallen souls we have become into my realm, THE INTERNET!

Alright, moving right along...

By this point, you're probably thinking to yourself, "is this guy serious?" to which I answer: "No." No, I probably am not serious. So now you're probably thinking, "Oh... so what's this blog about?" To which I reply: The Purpose of this blog is threefold. To promote my thoughts on Comics, Music, The Internet in General, and a Pantheon of other nerdy things, To share the things I find on my Internet excursions, And regale you with pithy crap such as: "that weird looking guy on the bus", "my favorite brand of yogurt", and "oh my god, what is that smell?"

But who is this enigmatic god of men, Anathematic? Well, I have many identities, as various and shifting as an oil stain. I am a Lawful Neutral Draconic Elf Dread Necromancer, a Webcomic aficionado, a boiling, inhuman spawn of darkness straight from Kafka's cold, dead, lips, and a destitute college student with social anxiety and who draws though his classes, all in one! But to truely know me would mean becoming me, and then there would be two of us and we would have to fight with our bare hands to the death, so lets not do that. Perhaps in later entries, you shall see a deeper and more multi-facited aspect of me, but for now, I must leave you.

Stay Horrible